I don't want to let go!!

Nostalgia, memories, hanging on, letting go, another year older, another year nearly gone. These are all things have been mulling in my head for months now.
It's been a year today since the death of my very dear friend Julie, her voice and face seem to be slowly fading. Every time I passed her bus stop in the morning I could visualize her standing there waiting. Even visiting her husband at home her presence seems to have quietened down. I'm sad that I'm finding it hard to keep her but I guess that's what time does. I do have photo's of her and even a little movie clip that I still can't bring myself to watch.
A lot has changed in my life and in our " close knit group of friends". No longer do we meet at the local every Saturday afternoon, no weekend or week night swarays,no dancing or singing, champagne doesn't taste the same, cocktails no longer are fun and worse the Richmond Tigers did well this year and I didn't have a footy buddy to share the joy in!
I let a few friendships slide. I'm not sure why that happened. I made more friends online and kept in far better communication with them than with people I've known for years. Strange, but I think deep down I know why.
I'm still angry at the world but at least I'm starting to enjoy some new interests like nature photography. Its the small day to day goings on in the garden and in our environment that I'm drawn too and not the big picture.

Well if I keep going I'll be here all night rambling!


2paw said...

Life sometimes moves along in a different direction than the one we expected. I have lost touch with friends too, and I don't know why.It's a hard thing to think about.
I like your Little Clicking Crow!!

Lady Euphoria Deathwatch said...

Hi Black Crow,

My heart feels so deeply for you. You described it so well. There are still things that will always do that to me since my son died. But like pulling burrs, bugs and odd leaf matter out of the raw wool of a woodland kept sheep, it is a long fussy job you can't avoid if you want to get through it.

The up side is you get plenty of self reflection time while you reorder your life without them.

I too had a very good, best friend die at this time of year. One day she was there, then that night there was the apartment building fire and she was gone. It's been five years now.

I miss her poetry and opinions, the frantic way she lived. The midnight phone calls to talk about life, the universe and everything or nothing at all. I pass the place she lived as we go into town and see her on the corner bus stop. But she isn't really there anymore.

It gets better but will never be the same. I'm glad you had Julie as a friend in your life even if it was too short a time. Take what you learned from that relationship and bring it to the next one. It is her gift to you.

The longer you live the more loss there is in it. Don't waste too much time being sad. Go out and make more fun times to off set the bad ones in your life. Grab the sunshine while you can and share it with Julie's memory.

I hope you feel better soon. I wish I was close enough to give you a hug.

Sincerely, Lady Euphoria

BlackCrow said...

Thank you 2paw and Lady Euphoria...I felt that virtual hug!
I am happy most of the time just not today.

inkberryblue said...

This is such a heart~felt thread.
My uncle passed away last year and that hit me really hard. Grieving takes time, doesn't it? I cocoon myself at home when life's become painful...and I, too, find that spending time in nature is incredibly restoring.
Sending you gentleness and understanding.


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